The Revenge of Peanut
by Lord Charlie
Summary: One day a curse falls on my least favourite A.C. character Peanut. She gets her revenge and I'll get mine. Muhahaha!
1. The Revenge of Peanut

**THE REVENGE OF PEANUT-THE BEGINNING **

**The day of the dog.**

One day, Peanut, my least favourite character from Animal Crossing got pregnant. Perhaps it Joey who got her knocked up maybe Antonio. Nah, on second thoughts I suspect Antonio's gay.

However she's a single mum who lives in a crappy house with no bells and…

Peanut: Hey! Why is the author being so nasty to me, I'm brilliant.

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE: Because you little pipsqueak you ….

Film crew: Don't say it Charles, don't say it!

MEEE: Go to hell! Jesus, where did you guys come from?!?

Film crew: We're here to make it into a movie.

Me: It's a play not a movie, get out of here.

Guy starts filming.

Me: Looks like I'll have to take drastic action. Hey guys in my town anyone got an AK-47 I could borrow?

Guys in my town: No. Sorry.

Ribbot: I have a cool fruit table.

Me: You can't kill an annoying film crew with a giant grapefruit half covered in robot rabbit faeces.

Suddenly to save time a hand sticks out of nowhere and gives me an AK-47.

Me: Thanks. Weird hand guy to my rescue again.

Me: Now a bit of shoot 'em up. HEHEHE!

Suddenly a sausage dog comes and urinates on my gun, thus rendering it useless.

Me: Fcking dog!

Film crew: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAy for the dog.

Suddenly the sausage dog, who is called Colin for some reason, turns with a –I'm-about-to-pee- look on the film crew. He then proceeds to urinate on them thus rendering them dead.

Me: Wow! A sausage dog called Colin with lethal urine.

Suddenly Colin marches into my A.C. town.

Guys in my town: NOOOOOOO run and hide, I know rush through the gates to another town. One by one they spoke to the retarded dog who took a ridiculously long time to check them through. While people waited to escape the onslaught of dog piddle, Joey said 'Hey guys just brain the guards and open the gates wider so we can all get through. And so they killed the dogs and ran.

The mayor and all the shop owners ran and hid in Brewster's coffee shop. Brewster was surprisingly calm about the situation.

Brewster: Coffee while anyone listens to K.K. sing K.K. condom?

Guys: Brewster you do realise that we're not here for your god awful coffe or to listen to K.K. sing about the time he used a condom, we're hiding from Colin the dog.

Colin: Ruff!

Everyone: Aaaaaaahhh.

Everybody ran except for Nibbles who had decided to stay in town because she was Tom Nook's fiancé. Nibbles sat calmly drinking her coffee not realising ( because her iPod was plugged in) that Colin was menacingly cocking his leg. Suddenly Nibbles looked up and said

Nibbles: Blimey, that one must be 11 inches, bit big for a dog.

Colin: I am a sausage dog we have always had big whatchamacallits

Nibbles: Yeah but having a tail that big must be a real chore.

Suddenly she is squirted with urine.

K.K.: Sorry my bad. And my urine.

Nibbles: Eeeeeew.

Dog urine pours all over her.

Nibbles Nooooooooooo! At least I die married with kids.

Tom Nook: Sorry honey I killed them for fresh meat to sell.

Nibbles: NOOOOOOO

Tom: And I'm leaving you.

Nibbles: That's ok I hated you anyway.

Tom: For your sister

Nibbles: NOOOO etc.

Nibbles: Fcking dog

Me: That's what I said. I then shoot everybody with my new AK-47. Unfortunately the dog escapes. Now back to the plotline. Oh shit, everybody's dead. Ah well, just for the purposes of this fan fic Peanut you're alive again.

Peanut (in an annoying squeaky voice) : YAAAAAY! Beauty is only skin deep, oh that's not true I'm perfect on the inside as well.

She then giggles.

Me: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH NO WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?


	2. Bowser's Needs

**The Revenge of Peanut**

**Bowser's needs**

Me: Yes, I'm still alive and you're all dead.

Peanut: I'm not.

Me: You don't count

Still what's gonna happen this week folks?!? Aunt Mary is angry with Maud for leaving Paul at the altar, while Jimmy and Sally are having marriage difficulties. Perhaps if Jimmy can…

Me: CUT!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLordCharlieOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI'mthekingofswitzerlandOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOgleeeeeeterOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

This is not and never will be a crappy soap opera. Get out all of you.

Actors of Aunt Mary,Maud,Paul,Jimmy and Sally: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Me(holding baseball bat): I've had enough of these interruptions. Quick we must ensure that nobody comes within 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 miles of us. Aha, I have it. Bring me Busted, a group of chavs, some Chelsea supporters and a few old people who tell the same incredibly boring story 100000000000000000000 times in a row. Place them at all of the entrances and tell them to do their duty.

Annoying People: Sir, YES, Sir!

Me(now holding baseball bat very threateningly): Peanut you will be kidnapped, tortured, shouted at and generally pissed off. But I will make it that you will always get your revenge. Why? Because it ties in with the title that's why.

A loooooooooooooooong way away.

Bowser: Bloody shorty Mario. He's taken Peach again. Doesn't he ever realise that she prefers being with me. I am willing to take her away through many worlds and put my armies of moronic beasties at risk to keep her. I had a kid with her. HE just bounces and jumps and says 'Itsa me, Mario'. Italians are bastards. Isn't that right?

Army of moronic beasties: YES SIR!

Bowser: Good. Well you know the drill. Kidnap the princess in pink and bring her to me. Go right now.

Army of moronic beasties: YES SIR!

The armies of moronic beasties swarm across great plains and suddenly see Peanut (dressed in pink) next to Peach (also dressed in pink)

Army of…. I can't be bothered writing it again and again let's just call them the A.O.M.B.

A.O.M.B.: Duh which one is it?

Coomba near the front: He said go right. Let's get the squirrel on the right.

A.O.M.B.:O.K.

Peanut (as she is carried away): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO help me!!!!

A few days later in Bowser's castle.

Bowser: So let me get this straight. You the A.O.M.B. had the choice of the PRINCESS or the SQUIRREL. Do you see where I'm coming from?

Peanut is thrown into the darkest deepest dungeon of the prison. With a gorilla. Who has rabies. And diarrhoea. And cholera. And every other possible disease that could hurt Peanut.

Gorilla (in a I'm-about-to-die-tell-my-family kinda voice): HErrsestuds65m bvgc ghnjsx sdsf bn mn46dryazyutdc jlucg j.

The Gorilla then dies of a heart attack.

Mario then bounds in.

Mario: Itsa me, Mario. Beautiful Princess Peach I have come so far through such hardship to rescue you. Here I have the keys to set you free. Wait a minute?!?... Peanut. I'm not rescuing you. You're annoying.

Peanut: You bastard. You get me pregnant then run off with this skanky princess?

Mario runs away.

Peanut: I'll have my revenge on you Bowser and you Mario.

A shocking twist. Mario is the dad. In case you missed that Mario is the dad. For the Hard of hearing, ahem, MARIO IS THE DAD!!!!!.

Please read and review.


	3. Peanut's Freedom

**Horse crap… sorry wrong story! Peanut's freedom**

Peanut: Hey you two guards, can you let me out?

Copper and Booker: duuuuuuuuuuHhiuhuhuhu… no.

Copper: Hey bro, what do you say to a woman with no arms or legs or head?

Booker: dddduuuuuuhhh… dunno

Copper: Nice tits bitch! Ha.

Peanut: not funny! Hey weren't you two guys killed in chapter 1?

They all look nervously at each other.

Me: I brought them back because I can fun with the retardedness of them.

Peanut: But they die….

Me: Go to hell! I write this fan fic so they're back.

Peanut: Yeah but…

Suddenly a bolt of lightning comes in through the window ( even though it was a nice day) and hit Peanut.

Peanut: Fcking hell! That hurt!!!!

Me: See what an author can do. I have power, you could call me a god. Yeah all off you pay homage to me!

People: Eeeerrrrrrr….

Me: Do it or I'll make a boot come out of nowhere to kick you all in the bollocks.

Male people: We all pay homage master.

Peanut: I'm a girl so it won't hurt me… awwww shit.

Just as a magical boot swings into existence she grows balls.

Guys: OOoooooooh that looked sore.

Then just cos I'm bored it proceeded to kick all the others in the balls as well.

Me: Now you understand my power.

The boot then turns to face me.

Me: Fuck!

Boot: I don't like being used!

Now comes an exciting chase scene involving a stunt driver and a special effect cock kicking boot.

Brad Pitt plays me, Orlando Bloom as the boot, Johnny Depp as Booker, Morgan Freeman as Copper and Kiera Knightly as Peanut. Nah sod that the movie would be hard to make. Ah well the boot gets killed in a drive by gang shooting, as it turns out that the boot was stealing money from the drug circle he worked for.

Me: Shit that was random. I mean who would think of a giant, ball kicking boot. And a boot played by Orlando Bloom no less.

Back to the storyline… crap we'd better hurry cos I'm running out of time to write this thing.

Peanut: Hey boys ( in a very bad sexy stripper voice) want some of this.

The guards look eagerly at her butthole preparing for fun. She then farts horrendously in their faces, the stench overwhelms the guards and they die. Horribly.

Peanut: Ha, my skunk heritage finally paid off.

Now there was going to be an exciting and funny chase as she works her way up but I can't be arsed thinking of one, so she is now in Bowser's room.

Bowser: Oh I'm close Peach, a baby's on its way. Shit! Where did she come from?!¬?

Bowser gets off Peach and turns red as he puts his shell back on.

Bowser: What do you want?

Peanut: REVENGE!

Bowser: For what? I didn't bring you here. I only wanted Peach.

AAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH, SOMEONE HEAVY STOP ME!!!!!!!!

Suddenly a Goron from Twilight Princess rolls through one wall destroying it. Bowser stops him.

Bowser: You dickhead! Do you know how much that wall cost me?!?

Suddenly the ceiling it was supporting caved in.

Bowser: Ooooooohhhhh shit. ( he looks menacingly at the Goron) You're paying for that.

Goron: Sorry brother, but I've got to get back to Kakariko village.

Bowser: I don't care about Cokoriko village.

Goron: Don't make fun of the name.

Bowser: Why not?

Bowser being considerably taller than the Goron he throws him out of an open window. It is a long way down to the sharp rocks at the bottom.

Suddenly a Link charges through running away from Midna.

Midna: You bastard. I said help princess Zelda, not shag princess Zelda.

Link: Aaahgdgsghastsfgdgx.

Zelda: Midna it's a lie, it's your baby.

Midna: But we're both chicks?!

Zelda: Yeah well genetic engineering.

They all chase after the Goron.

Bowser: O.K. that was weird, to say the least. Hey where's Peanut?

Peach: She's gone and in that commotion she's taken your , your…

She nods her head below his waist.

Bowser: NOOOOOOOOO! MY MANHOOD! IT'S GONE!!!!

Peanut has got her first revenge people, please keep on following the story.


	4. Peanut on the run

**How to make a shepherd's pie.**

First take two shepherds and shoot them and then stuff them into some lard then eat. Serves 1 and a half. (a guy and a dwarf. Although it could just be some guy's top half, but I guess he'd be screaming in pain not eating shepherd's pie.)

Delia Smith looks up from writing her recipe only to see a ton of gold bricks, some diamonds, an elephant, Pinocchio, two teapots, a pot of jam, a slightly smelly boot and £20 of coppers falling on her head.

Lady Snodgrass: Och! A piano!

Annoying possibly gay guy: As you can plainly see these blue bits and red stringy things prove that our hair lotion is the best.

Bowser wakes up from his rather odd dream only to see…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

A dingo! Oh wait sorry, his feet.

Anyway, in Kakariko village…

Goron: I still haven't been stopped yet!!!!!

He rolls off into the distance.

In a broom closet in Telma's bar…

Joey: Hup two ,three ,four heaven knockin' at the door, five ,six ,seven ,eight never make the angels wait. Platoon HALT!

AC guys: YES SIR!

Me: OMG. Those people from my town have come out of a broom closet. And formed a platoon. All about their wonderful and dangerous trek through unknown AC towns is revealed in Joey's autobiography 'A duck's life'.

How they came to be in a broom closet beats me.

Unfortunately Telma has a cat, Louise.

The guys realise that they're in the real world now and they finally realise just how small they really are.

Now comes a rather odd scene in which Louise falls in love with Joey and leaves him for Antonio, but the jealous Joey shoots them both and gets arrested and hanged for murder.

The few people left: Bollocks!

Telma stands on them.

Awww sod it how many times can I bring people back.

Me: Hey wait I'm the author , I'll bring Joey back!

Boot: How 'bout me?

I now have flashbacks to that horrible ball-kicking day.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

However back to Peanut.

She is on the run and is hiding out in the old, abandoned public loos of ye olden dayes.

A pigeon shits on her.

Brewster Jr: Ha! That's from my dad. HAHAHAHAHAHAH……

He is suddenly shot by a farmer from 'The Archers'

Farmer: Ooooooohh arrrrrrrrr!

Peanut: I only have one thing to eat.

You know what. She eats it and laughs.

Goron: I might as well give up hope.

Peanut now goes outside the loos.

Dr Kawashima's head arrives.

Peanut: You! You gave me a bad mark on my brain age. You will die!

Doc. K.: Ahhhhhhh! I take it you want revenge, yes?

Peanut is already running away with his glasses.

Peanut: Heh heh heh.

Doc. K. now can't see where he's floating and gets pulled into a jet twirly thing.

The jet crashes and guess who was flying it…..Peanut's baby.

Peanut: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Find out in the next chapter about her kid's struggle for survival in the wild.


	5. The Munchkin Tea Factory first bit

The Munchkin Tea Factory

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry its been ages since my last update, to make up for his terrible crime I shall now write like a crazy person on drugs. Ahem.

Bsahyfgdcyudsgfvuyxcvloasyf7wetritgdsfkjafifgjkhdfjghfuyighdfigjurosdvo;adjl8gya[I\UDHFUGTREYLOa\cgxzhjc bsduifyeyhsufhdioy774y5t74yrtye489r2yr7eugygRtygYFUftyGtfuiGTYryGtgYuyf7YIikllkbnlkuGKUYgfhgDRdseSERserDrdTDytDGYftFgfVFgfTYFthFTftFYHghjkUIUgtyFYFGHSGDFUYDEGFYDSGugygyugfjsdfhgtfdukyb ggye478o5tr467965weq4fhreutkjdfajrkhyyetjiohy. And hgvhtgcf.

That is an accurate description of a crazy person on drugs▓ writing style. I could go on for pages but it might be a waste of time. I shall now do some maths to calm my brain.

X + bacon breakfast 2x + 14y + 4t - 3h and a partridge in a pear tree.  
177k + 26p + a tub of lard a fat greengrocer.

That didn▓t work. Ah well. To the story!!!!

Cast, crew, civil servants and tea ladies: Sausages!!! Oh wait, we mean TO THE STORY!!!

Malcolm the evil hamster: To the story!!! Oh my effing god!!!

His jaw drops.  
On a platform in front of him stands a majestic figure. Muscle-bound and proud, clad from head to toe in ┘ in┘. sweetie wrappers, yes you guessed it. Its ┘.

Hamster (in a voice that can only be described as ghcrtfhvgftdgvfhness): Glockenspiel Snorsh, a Hungarian Hamster. Its me Glockenspiel Snorsh a hamster from Hungaria.

General gasps and ▓dun dun dunnnnnn▓s from the assembled masses. Assembled masses then all stand on their heads and sing the national anthem of Bosnia. The A.M. then hum until the cleaner sweeps them up. As they fly to the bin they all say in unison, ⌠ If only you had come earlier, then we did have sandwiches.■ Then they die. Horribly.

Only one assembled mass is left. He is old and mutters to himself, he carries a cane and says ▓galoomph▓ a lot of the time. He also says ▓snorsh▓ so maybe he has met Glockenspiel Snorsh a Hungarian Hamster.

Me: Jesus Christ people, get on with the (bleep)ing story. You (bleep)suckers I ought to (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) and then fart on them. (bleep)s. Work. Oh god . (bleepbleeepiditybleepybleepitybleepbleepblewepityblkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

People: Same to you, hard-ass.

Me: Great we▓ve nearly run out of time, and we didn▓t even make it to the story, let alone the tea factory. That is unless I make it reeeeeeeeeheeheeheeeallly long. Like my (bleep). Stupid effing censor button, should never have got it. It (bleep)s up everything I say. Look. Cond┘(bleep) ah not so fast now.

I now proceed to wrench it out of the wall, hurl it to the ground and jump on it.

Me: Ah now I can swear again. (blooooooooooooooooooooooop) Dammit. Those (bloooooop)s got a new machine pretty fast.

Now the bloody story begins. Bastards.

(staggering from plane) Peanut Jr.: Mummy, I can see you.

Seagull: Not for long.

He shits in her eyes.

Bang! And the farmer▓s brought him down.

Seagull: Awwwww crap. Can I have a dying wish?

Farmer:Ooooooh argggghhhh.

All that retard can say is oooooo, arrgggghhhh, and quinquagesimal.

Seagull: Don▓t give me (stutters into a dying whisper) ┘to┘Jimmy┘Chung▓s.

And then the son of a (bloop) dies.

Fucking censorship. Yay!! I said it fuc┘(blooooppooooooopblooooooopitybloooopblooooopblooooopitybloop) Machine. It had a moment of weakness. Ah hah! The perfect plan

I go and get a bird suit and ram the censor machine into it. I then hurl it into the air.

Bang!! The farmer┘. Missed it. Bollocks. Drunken sod, from the Archers.

Farmer: Arrrrffff, ooffff.

As I punch him repeatedly in the crotch. His already odd nuts swell up and burst.

Farmer: Bitch! What was that for?

(as I strangle him) : Because you missed you (blooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop).

He▓s dead now.

Me: Gay tosspot.

Good lord is that the time. Must dash. Next time look for, the visit to the munchkin tea factory, and why they went.

P.S. Only a few people were harmed in the making of this fanfic episode. Ok a lot. Ok I▓ll admit it, I wiped out the equivalent of a small Asian nation, hell even a large one.

GOODBYE EARTHLINGS, UNTIL THE NEXT EPISODE, THAT SHALL ALSO BE CALLED THE MUNCHKIN TEA FACTORY, BECAUSE THE SODDING SCRIPT DIDN▓T REACH THAT BIT. TWO PARTS OF ONE CHAPTER. INTERESTING. I SHOULD STOP SHOUTING NOW. OH SHIT I▓M IN TROUBLE NOW. I WROTE THIS DURING IT AND THE TEACHERS COMING BACK. BYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE. Eh!!!!! Dingo▓s kidney▓s!! And other things that cannot be said on radio, why? Because they are so high-pitched that only dogs can hear them. Like this eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 


End file.
